Tag: Fear

Cool

I’ve Lost The Edge

For those of you old enough to remember, there’s a scene in the original Top Gun movie in which Cougar visits Cmdr. Stinger after crash landing his plane. He’s covered in sweat and tells the Commander “I’m holding on too tight. I’ve lost the edge”, and turns in his wings. This is how I feel every spring when I start riding the motorcycle again.

In my part of the world we have this thing called winter. Being that I live in a mountainous region, my winter is full of snow. This is a good thing since I like to ski, but it’s not so good for riding a motorcycle. Every fall the bike(s) get put away and every spring I wait for a day or two when the snow is mostly melted off the road and the temps are above freezing. I drag out my riding gear and pray the battery is still good. I roll the bike out of the garage and wonder if it was this heavy last year?

It’s hard to describe what it feels like to ride a motorcycle after riding all summer. Everything just feels… in balance. You don’t have to think about anything, it just happens. Riding is a smooth, flowing experience. Muscle memory takes over and you shift and brake without realizing you’re doing it. Balance feels effortless. A slight drop of a heel, a small push of the handlebars, and the bike does exactly what you want it to do. Most importantly it feels like your vision slows down. It’s hard to describe. You see and anticipate everything. You notice holes, ruts, and sand long before you get there. It’s magic.

The first rides in spring are not that. Everything is just… awkward. I couldn’t remember some of the controls for electronics. I killed the engine because I put the kickstand down without being in neutral. I leaned a little too far in a corner and had to do a panic correction. It seems like I lost all sense of balance. Acceleration from a stop is jerky and uncoordinated. I forget to cancel my turn signal.

And the oddest sensation is that everything feels like it’s happening at 3x speed. Corners and ruts came up before I could see them. Traffic seems like it’s going way too fast. I never had the feeling that I could safely look around while I was riding because something would happen faster than I could react.

I made things worse because I’d taken a class towards the end of last summer that had us change the position of brake pedals, levers, and handlebars. I’d barely gotten used to the changes before fall, so now nothing feels right. On top of that I switched to a very heavy, stiff motocross boot and I can no longer feel the rear brake pedal with my foot. The result is that I mash the pedal too hard and slowing down is an ugly lurching thing – too hard, too soft, too hard again.

The end result is the worst thing you can have as a motorcycle rider – I got tentative and a little nervous. Rather than standing up and comfortably powering through gravel and soft dirt, I slowed way down and sat down on the seat. At one point I completely drifted to the wrong side of the (dirt) road because I was so worried about the gravel and sliding. I was panic grabbing the front brake which is the exact opposite of what you should do.

Just like Cougar, I’ve lost the edge. I’m holding on too tight. The difference is – I know I’ll get past this. I have to go through it every year. It’s a matter of time and practice. Somewhere around June I’ll realize that the flow is back and it’s hard to remember why this was so hard?

If you’re new at something, especially something scary, just know that we’ve all been there. Everyone had the exact same feelings you have. For some of us, we have to go through it every single year. It does get easier, I promise.

I refuse to turn in my wings.

Government, Politics, Solving the wrong problem

Is It Omertà Or Something Else?

I know, I know, it’s a broken record. Millions of people a year streaming across our border. Tens of thousands a day. Politicians, governors, and mayors all shouting at each other and pointing fingers. Meanwhile, nothing changes. Texas finally got mad, put the national guard at a popular crossing spot and have prevented the border patrol from entering. Naturally the Biden admin and DHS have issued a cease and desist order and are threatening to take it to the DOJ. Among all the wailing and gnashing of teeth on both sides of the issue, what’s the one thing you never hear? Any criticism of Mexico.

Doesn’t that seem odd? An actual national emergency and crisis at the border and nobody seems to be mad or critical of the country where the problem originates. If Canada suddenly decided to start driving across the border to dump raw sewage and nuclear waste in our northern forests, I’m pretty sure someone would say something. I’d go so far as to say that we’d probably start threatening trade status if they didn’t knock it off. But a humanitarian and national security crisis on the southern border… crickets.

I get it – Mexico isn’t actually capable of stopping the influx. The government is too corrupt and the cartels are too powerful. But at least they could pretend they’re doing something. Put some troops on the borders. Throw out a few rows of razor wire. Place some warning signs. Something. Anything.

But they don’t even try. And we say nothing. Why is that? Why won’t a single politician, left or right, call out and/or threaten Mexico? The only politician I can think of to say something was Trump while campaigning. You remember – “I’m going to build that big, beautiful, wall and make Mexico pay for it”. The president of Mexico just laughed and said no. And Trump and congress did… nothing.

Well, that’s not true. Trump threatened sanctions against Mexican imports. He then suspended his threats and signed the new USMCA trade deal. Boy, we really showed them didn’t we?

What exactly is the hold Mexico has over us? Why are we afraid to say or do anything to the country that’s invading us by proxy? I don’t get it.

It’s almost like all the players in this drama know the real reasons behind this game, but won’t say.

Omerta.

Cool, Daily Life, Motivation

I Crashed

I crashed this weekend. I don’t really like the word crash. I prefer “a spontaneous, unplanned, rapid dismount”. More than one of those happened. And I was happy about it. Why? Because it was in training and practice conditions, and I got over the fear of dropping my motorcycle.

I took a three-day adventure motorcycle class this weekend. It’s designed to help develop skills needed to ride these ridiculously large motorcycles in offroad terrain that they probably don’t belong in. I already knew I didn’t know much about proper offroad riding techniques – I just didn’t realize how much I didn’t know. Kind of like the Donald Rumsfeld quote, “there are known knowns, known unknowns, and unknown unknowns”. This weekend gave me a peek into the unknown unknowns.

We spent hours working on slow speed turns, balance drills, weight transfer, and traction management. We then took those skills and (attempted) to apply them to varied terrain. Deep sand, obstacles, and steep hill descents were all thrown at us with varying degrees of success.

The class also reminded me of a truism I’m learning every time I take any sort of lesson. What I think I’m doing and what I’m really doing are rarely the same thing. For example, I was convinced I was leaning and rolling the bike underneath me like a boss in corners. Like, Instagram and magazine photo level form. One of the instructors pulled me aside and helpfully pointed out my lean was approximately 5 millimeters and that I was going to have to be just a tad more aggressive if I wanted to see any improvement. Ego crushed.

It was a good weekend of learning new skills and pushing past fear. I walked away with a few bruises and the realization that dropping the bike wasn’t the end of the world. Assuming I continue to practice what I learned, I’ll be a much more confident rider moving forward.

Everyone needs to push their limits every now and then. Fear is healthy. It (usually) keeps us from doing really stupid things. But unchecked fear can limit learning, or even prevent you from experiencing life. So go out there and find a way to push past whatever your fear is. You’ll come out the other side a better person for it.

A spontaneous, unplanned, rapid dismount every now and then is good for the soul.

Daily Life, Health

Dodged A Bullet

One of the unique aspects of hospital work is the concept of being “floated”. I have my home floor where I was hired. But the hospital has the right to send me to any floor they choose in order to cover staff shortages. I guess the theory is that an RN is generic and doing nursing shit is the same on every type of floor right? Doesn’t matter that I have no idea who the providers are and many of the medications on that floor are something I’ve never seen. I have no idea what the policies are for that specialty or even how to find the supply room. Imagine being in marketing and working day after day on a particular product launch. You show up to work and your boss tells you to have to go work on a different product team today. After all, marketing is marketing, right?

Anyway, I showed up the other day and checked the schedule. The dreaded words… float to the covid floor. Sigh. Naturally nobody wants to work the covid floor, so everyone has to take a turn. Unfortunately due to the spike in cases in my area, coupled with huge staffing shortages, getting floated to the covid floor is becoming pretty common. So off I went to the hot zone.

Twelve hours of putting on a heavy plastic gown, gloves, N95, surgical mask, and face shield, going in the room to take care of business, then stripping it all off. Then doing the same in the next room. Then going back to the first room. Then the next room. Over and over and over again. These folks are sick. For the most part not much bothers me medically – but watching people struggling to breathe when there’s little I can do, is just hard. It makes for a long day.

Fast forward a few days and I woke up and just felt… off. I did a bunch of errands and then some yardwork. By early afternoon I had zero energy and a splitting headache had set in. The next morning, no change. No energy, fatigue, brain fog, and a dull headache. Classic covid symptoms. Crap! The China virus finally got me. How ironic that I’ve been writing about breakthrough cases in vaccinated people and now I’m going to be one of those statistics. In my mind I replayed all my patient encounters. Did I get sloppy with my PPE? Did I forget to wash my hands and then touched my face? I was adjusting my mask when that guy coughed on me, maybe that was it?

We have some people coming to visit and an upcoming trip, so I figured I better get tested just to confirm. Insurance will pay if you’re willing to wait 2-3 days for your results. If you need immediate results it’s out of pocket. So I plunked down my $142 and got the swab via a drive through testing center. I went home and started making a list of who I may have come in contact with so I can tell them they might have been exposed.

Negative. Negative for covid and influenza. Whew. And this morning I woke up and felt fine. I don’t know what it was. Maybe it was a cold? Too many days of poor sleep? Didn’t drink enough water? Too many nachos in one sitting? Weird.

Our world has certainly changed. I never used to think twice about feeling off for a few days. Now, the slightest sniffle and we all worry that the dreaded virus finally got us. We’ve been brainwashed into becoming a society that fears normal human interaction. Half the population endorses authoritarian/totalitarian measures of control. The other half is ready riot in protest.

I live in a weird dichotomy. I live my life as normal as possible, without fear. My odds of grave injury in a motor vehicle accident are higher than being struck down by covid. I’m going to eat in restaurants, enjoy time with friends, and see family. Yet, in the back of my mind are images that not everyone sees. A few days ago I watched a man be wheeled into his wife’s room for a few minutes to say goodbye – before we pulled her off oxygen support. Another covid statistic. That’s real. It’s not a meme on Facebook.

I miss normal.

Daily Life, Motivation, Travel

What’s Your Risk Tolerance?
  • I just got back from a four day road trip on the ginormous motorcycle. It was a fantastic trip with a couple of “bucket list” rides. I mentioned in my last post that I almost cancelled due to a threat of inclement weather. Sure enough, day one I got caught in a pretty severe rain and hailstorm. Let’s just say that large hail at 60 mph on a motorcycle hurts! The important part is that I survived and it wasn’t nearly as scary as I’d built it up to be in my head. I rode a few other sections that were high speed highway (70 and 80 mph speed limits) with plenty of large semi’s and some high winds. Serious white knuckle time in the beginning, but I wasn’t thinking about it much towards the end of the day. The point is that the unknown is scary and it’s easy to let that fear get the better of you when try to visualize what it’s going to be like. I guarantee that most of the time reality will prove to be nothing like the horrible scenarios you let run away in your imagination.
  • Which leads me to my question on risk tolerance. Pushing through fear is all well and good, but you still need to do a reasonable risk assessment of the situation. A brand new motorcycle rider attempting a busy freeway on his first day is stupid. The lack of skill makes the risk factor way too high. So how do you evaluate risk? When it comes to hiking, backpacking, mountain biking, I have a reasonable amount of life experience. I’m an RN, was a member of a search and rescue team for years, comfortable with navigation, and feel pretty comfortable with knowing my physical limits. My risk tolerance for hiking in the backcountry is pretty high. Barring serious injury, I’m not terribly worried about surviving a few days if something went wrong. I’m reasonably confident I could put myself in a position to be found or self-rescue. More importantly, I feel like I’m less likely to put myself in a bad position in the first place. Most of our rescues on the SAR team were for people who had no idea they were even putting themselves at risk until it was too late.
  • Which brings me back to the ginormous motorcycle. I have many years of riding experience. Unfortunately most of it was simply commuting back and forth to work. The long road trips are new to me, but I feel like I still have enough overall street experience in those scenarios to make good risk assessments. But what I really want to do is spend more time riding in the backcountry. I have no dirt experience. At what point, when riding by myself, am I being stupid? Most of my fears revolve around being stranded. A crash or other mechanical issue that disables the bike. Dropping the bike and not being able to pick it up. A navigation error and running out of fuel or getting into a scenario I’m not capable of riding. Now what? With the motorcycle it’s easy to go distances beyond a simple hike out.
  • So, do I not go out by myself? Do I simply start slowly and go a little further each time? Do I spend days beforehand making a battle plan with every possible scenario for each ride? At some point that’s no longer fun. On one hand, what’s the worst that could happen? Again, assuming no serious injury, the bike breaks down and I’m stuck. A few days of hiking or until someone finds me. While it would suck, very survivable. It’s extremely rare that someone goes missing and perishes before being found. But that’s not a fair burden to put on loved ones waiting at home, thinking the worst.
  • At what point are you being so cautious you’re limiting activities due to fear of the unknown? At what point are you placing yourself needlessly at risk because you failed to adequately prepare and didn’t recognize that you were in over your head? For me I think the answer will be to go slow and over-prepare initially. Of course I’ll seek out more experienced riding partners… but I don’t want to sit at home waiting for that to happen. The other option is to sign up for one of the various riding schools and learn/improve my dirt skills. I suppose I should do that regardless. How do you evaluate risk? Pro’s/con’s on a spreadsheet? Avoid it at all costs? Just do it and whatever happens, happens? I’m honestly curious how others evaluate risk?

Song of the day: Lily Allen | The Fear

Daily Life, Health, Motivation

Turn In My Man Card

This is a post about fear. It’s fairly obvious that a certain amount of fear is healthy. It’s what keeps us from walking across a busy interstate freeway, petting porcupines, and wearing jean jorts with white socks and camo crocs. But fear is a very clever, subtle creature. It sneaks up on you. It slowly creeps in, year after year. It begins to encroach in small little areas of your life. Its power increases bit by bit without you realizing it. Until one day you find yourself completely ruled by fear. Fear of change. Of something different. You tell yourself you like your routine. It’s comfortable. Why would I want to disrupt that? Or maybe you do want to make a change… but tomorrow. Not right now. I’ve got that big project at work to finish. Just a few more years and then the kids will be out of the house. I just need to lose this weight and then I can try that sport.

We’re all guilty of this to some degree. Some of us more than others. I’ve had countless elderly patients on my floor that literally never left their small town. Never traveled more than fifty miles from home. Raised kids, worked the same job, retired and spent their remaining time sitting on their porch watching the traffic go by. I can’t fathom that. I’d place my risk/fear tolerance maybe slightly above average. My interests trend towards the more extreme sports end of the spectrum. I’ll jump out of an airplane, but don’t ask me to dance in public. My social fears (what will people think?) are far greater than than my physical fears. Fortunately with age, the social fears begin to dissipate. The older I get the less I give a crap what people think.

So here’s the point where I have to laugh at myself. If you’ve been following my saga with the ginormous motorcycle, you’d know that my mission was to overcome some fears of travel and exploring. Fear in the sense of I’m not a big fan of the unknown. While I do like to travel, I like it to be controlled. I want to know exactly where I’m staying, what sights I’m seeing, have dinner reservations, etc… My goal was to bust through that. I purchased the ginormous motorcycle so I can hit the open road, be semi-spontaneous and see small town America.

The plans have been all coming together. I found the right motorcycle and started the process of outfitting it with racks, crash bars, and researching the right riding gear. I’ve spent this early spring improving my riding confidence and bike handling skills. I’ve spent countless hours with maps and web sites finding interesting routes with unique sights to see. A few days ago the final piece of the puzzle arrived. The luggage I’d ordered for the motorcycle, which was on backorder, finally arrived. I’m set – ready to hit the road!

Here’s the point at which I have to turn in my fear-conquering man card. I’ve been struggling with where to go first. The weather in our corner of the world hasn’t been great. We’ve had a spring full of non-stop wind, rain, and cold. Last night after work I was watching a YouTube channel I subscribe to. It’s a gal who travels the world by motorcycle. She’s currently riding solo across South Africa. She frequently makes random decisions to explore an unknown dirt road without any idea if she’ll have enough fuel to make it to the next town. She’ll ride the entire day in the backcountry without seeing another person. If she broke down, or encountered some unfriendly people, that could be disastrous.

In the middle of the episode I burst out laughing at myself. It suddenly dawned on me. Here’s this young gal, riding solo across a region of the world with some actual, non-trivial dangers. And what am I doing? Worrying about riding someplace and there might be wind or, gasp… rain. I literally have been going through my maps and trip ideas, looking for something that might be “safer” from weather. I clearly failed the Easy Rider, intrepid explorer test and I haven’t yet left the driveway. I’m such a dork.

We all have fears. Rappelling fifty feet off a cliff or giving a speech in front of a thousand people are legitimate fears. I’m not saying everyone needs to conquer those big fears. But what we all need to do – is overcome the silly little fears. Because those silly little fears start to build. The little fears become irrational big fears and it’s those fears that will hold you back from enjoying life. I don’t know much, but the older I get the more I realize we’re only here once. You get one shot at life. Make the most of it. Promise yourself that this week you’ll do something out of your comfort zone. I guarantee you’ll be happier for it.