Find Me A Baseball Cap

The other day I wrote a bit of an angry screed. I’ve been a bit under the weather, cooped up and under house quarantine. 48 hours of fever and non-stop reading of the internet and… well, I got a little fired up. But then I stumbled upon some advice from Jen Psaki about managing anger and stress. She counseled Americans to go to a kickboxing class and have a margarita to get over their anger. Well by golly, you know what? It works! It was just like the Oracle told Neo in the Matrix, “Here. Take a cookie. I promise, by the time you’re done eating it, you’ll feel right as rain.” Happy Monday everyone, I’m ready to take on a new day!

What better way to start a new week and new year than by cultivating a new look? Don’t worry, I’m not going to do the bored housewife cuts all their hair off in a cute bob thing… my hair’s already short. (sidebar, women please don’t cut your hair short. Unless you weigh approximately 105 pounds, it doesn’t work. Trust me on this. Just like men wearing speedos, only about .001% of the population can pull this look off) There’s not much I can do hair-wise. I tried long and unfortunately it did not, in fact, make me look like Brad Pitt. My only other option is shaving my head, but I’m saving that for the angry old man, get off my lawn phase. So, what to do now?

Mrs Troutdog and I were watching the Mexican Narcos series on Netflix last night and out of the blue she says, “have you ever had sideburns?” Hmmm. That’s a twist I hadn’t thought of. I’ve tried a beard once and quickly realized the best I can do is a sad, scraggly, hipster looking thing, so that’s out. My current look is a three-day stubble that’s supposed to convey a rugged, Carhartt wearing, George Clooney, manliness vibe – but pretty much just looks like I was too lazy to shave (which is also true). Sideburns though, I might be able to pull that off with a bit of combover (combdown?) action. I don’t know if I should be jealous that she was looking at a sexy, Mexican, cartel boss when she mentioned it, but I’ll go with it. He also had a goatee, so I’ve decided that’s going to be the new look. A 80’s era long sideburn and goatee vibe. I wonder if I could also pull off a Snidely Whiplash waxed and twirled mustache? (serious bonus points if you remember who that is)

Since I’m challenged in the facial hair department, the new look should be ready by August. Perhaps I should take a picture a day and post it on Twitter? Knowing social media, I’d probably gain about a million followers and end up being some sort of famous influencer for beard and mustache products. I’m kind of a private guy, so I guess we’ll hold off on that.

Since this has devolved into a fashion blog, my other current crisis is that I can’t find a ball cap I like. I wear a ball cap at least seven days a week. My hair is usually uncooperative at best, so throwing on a hat is just easier. I’ve always had a large collection of ball caps to suit my mood, but as time goes on, they fray, fall apart, get eaten by the dog, and generally become nasty and unwearable. One by one my hat collection has dwindled to the point that I’m down to a final hat. I used to find hats I liked everywhere. I bought ’em all the time on vacations, I’d spot one in a storefront, freebies at tradeshows, etc… Lately I can’t seem to find one that looks right. This is a serious issue.

I can’t put my finger on it, but every hat I try on just doesn’t look right. I’ve bought three just in the last few months and there’s something just a bit, off, about all of them. The dog got to my last good hat, so it now has a big tear in the side. This is no longer a laughing matter. I need to find a hat I like. But then again, perhaps the problem isn’t the hat? Maybe it’s that as a middle-aged man who will soon be sporting a dashing set of sideburns and devastatingly handsome goatee… I no longer need to be wearing ball cap?

After all, did you ever see James Bond (I’m talking Sean Connery/Daniel Craig. Don’t even come at me with that Roger Moore nonsense, bro) wearing a ball cap? I think not. Perhaps it’s time to embrace my age and show a little sophistication? Maybe that will be part of the new year, new me look. No more ball caps. Stay tuned.

P.S. if you know of any sources for good ball caps, hit me up. Money is no object. No flat billed gangster hats. Unless they’re going to sponsor me, I’m not crazy about advertising for Nike, Titleist, or other big franchises. Trucker style is just eh. Prefer Velcro adjustable over sized hats. Six panel, not five. Wait, maybe the real problem is that I’ve gotten so picky, the perfect hat doesn’t actually exist anymore? Sigh. The struggle is real.

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